My domain expired months ago, which is really no big deal because according to WordPress statistics, the only people who read this blog are deviants Google-ing the search terms “Bulgaria + Transvestite” and one hardcore fan from Equatorial Guinea.
Tentatively finished with my main 2013 goal made 11-months ago (crudely pumping out a first draft of a novel), I now regain the time to write these quick, juvenile jaunts. What I’m trying to say, lady or gentleman in Equatorial Guinea, is buckle up, because 2014 is going to be an adrenaline joyride chocked full with second-rate penis jokes.
Anyway, the abstract of my 2013 reads like this:
This year I completed 75% of my 2013 New Years Resolutions, the only exception being the promise to “dump most of my Polish guy friends and replace them with sexier Polish female friends.” – This will be revisited in 2014 --
A Personal Retrospective in Bullet Points: Cold, Hard (and Very True) Facts from my 2013
- An ex-girlfriend with no previous martial arts training and during a state of extreme agitation at my ‘adolescent behavior’, karate chopped me in the groin.
- I threw my back out sneezing.
- Despite constant public proclamations that 2013 would be “the year”, I did not in fact fake myown death and resurface with a mustache in Borneo.
- 2013 marked a high-mark for “Insubordination” complaints at work. Infractions included: “Leaving Work Premises to Get Boneless Chicken Wings During a Company Mandated Fire Drill” and “Attending Meetings with Management and Only Speaking in a ‘Humphrey Bogart Detective’ Voice”, and “Watching a 10-part Documentary Series on Napoleon in my Office,” and “Convincing Fellow Employees it was Company Jeans Day when it was NOT Company Jeans Day,” and one complaint that just says, “Refused to Stop Talking About Tents.”
- I finally took “avid fan of jazz music” off the Additional Details section of my resume, as I have literally zero knowledge of jazz.
- 2013 was the only year (so far) where I was attacked by a monkey.
- This year I listened to Building a Mystery by Sarah McLaughlin more times than all previous years combined — and that’s big because I fucking love that song.
- In 2013, I was finally unofficially diagnosed with Toxoplasmosis — a brain eating parasite derived from continual close contact with cats.
- This year marked the third consecutive year where I was either fired or laid off by a major company. At this rate, by the time I am eligible for retirement, I will have been deemed redundant or viciously shit-canned at over 43 established businesses. Impressive!
- This is the first year in five years where no one has punched me in the face.
- My false sense of superiority went steroidal this year as I read Infinite Jest and now over cafe lattes I say stuff like, “Well everyone says they are going to read it, but hardly anyone ever finishes it.” Then I waggle my shoulders and smirk like a triumphant douchebag.
- I spent around 2 hours per month watching videos solely consisting of cats standing on a Roomba swatting people or animals in the face. (sample video attached below)
- I uttered the sentence, “Oh God, Paul Walker. This is just like Princess Diana, but in America.”
- After finding a discarded Josh Groban VIP ticket for his 2011 Illuminations Tour in the street, I convinced every elderly lady in my office that I ran his personal webzine and merchandising store.
- Went back to Spain and revisited the last spot I cried overseas (Plaza del Toros, June 2007).
- Hit 25 followers on Twitter and never tweeted again. (Pornbots count)
- I logged my first outdoors chess victory against a homeless man in the park!